Sorry I haven't posted in a few days but its been a busy week. You know those weeks where you blink and you have lost 3 days??
Its been a tough week so far, not helped by the terrible weather! I park about a 20 min walk away from my work and on most days I will walk in and back. It gets me some much needed fresh air and a good 40 mins of gentle exercise. The weather has been so bad that I have had to get the bus on most days. I know this should make me less tired, right?
Well actually its had the opposite effect. I started to feel lethargic and grumpy yesterday so I decided I was missing some endorphins and would need to get myself to the gym if I was to get that good feeling back.
I went to the Gym last night, for the first time since before my last laparoscopy/cystoscopy. I have a basic routine, nothing too stressful because my back is still in recovery. I was so unaware of the impact it was going to have on me. I really thought I was going to be fine. I spent 25 mins on the treadmill at a fast walk and 15 mins on the recline bike again on a low setting. I did some tension weights and that was it.
Today I was in agony. My legs felt like lead and I could only just make it in to my work today. I was so fatigued I could barely make it through my work day. I was walking around like an old lady with arthritis all day! Bending down and even getting off my chair seemed like the hardest task in the world. It makes me so angry when I feel like this after a simple work out. I used to be relatively fit and healthy and able to do a real workout at the gym - 30 mins on the cross trainer, 20 min run, 15 min bike on a good level and lost of weights - without even feeling it. Now I have trouble just putting my gym clothes on!!
I would like to say that I know I will get back to that some day, that I will build up my fitness and feel stronger and happier again. I really don't know if that will ever happen. I know this is all sounding very miserable and woe is me but sometimes thats exactly how I feel. Endometriosis takes so much away from us. It does it little by little, bit by bit. So much that you don't really notice how much you have lost until its all gone. Its clever I will give it that much recognition. It starts with a few days a month when you are in so much pain you can't even begin to plan on doing anything, Then it adds a few more days during ovulation striking you down with sharp intense pain. Slowly it becomes more bad days than good. It takes away your energy bit by bit stopping you from making plans or visiting family and friends. It obliterates you dreams of one day being a parent to what would have been the most important thing in your life. When you look back and realise how much you have lost already it then starts to take away your happiness. Depression, pain, sickness, tiredness, all these start to take hold and thats when it starts to take away your dreams of a successful career. It takes away everything until all thats left is a shell.
So what do we do when we have lost all this?
Well we have 2 choices:
Give up and let it eat away at you forever
or
Fight it, every minute, every hour, every day. Stay strong and become a survivor! Learn where you can push it and when you have to rest. Become spontaneous instead of planning events do them when you feel you can. Rebuild your dreams, but be prepared to change them if needed. Be as happy as you can as often as you can but most importantly be honest, with yourself, with your loved ones and with the world. Don't be afraid to be who you are because who you are is amazing!
Be strong.Be a fighter.Be a survivor.
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